Imagine you’re having sex with someone and then suddenly a stranger enters the room wanting to join in.
Is this ok?
Imagine you’re now having sex with two people and one of them hits you “very, very hard” out of nowhere, so that the next day, you have bruises.
Is that ok?
Now imagine three, four, five other strangers entering the room, and they’re all wanting to have “their turn”.
Was this the situation you originally said yes to?
Imagine having to swat someone’s hand away multiple times.
Now imagine all of this was happening, but you have been drinking and taking ketamine the whole night.
Would you trust your intoxicated self to be able to make an autonomous decision?
And imagine this whole time, there was a secret chat group going on behind the scenes, offering up your most intimate body parts to another stranger. Oh sorry, I meant 50 other strangers.
I don’t know your conclusion to all of this, but here’s mine:
It doesn’t matter if you said yes to anything in the initial encounter. As soon as something happens which you didn’t consent to, it’s a transgression. Just because you said yes to one or even two people, doesn’t mean you said yes to five others. Just because you said yes to sex, doesn't mean you said yes to someone violently hitting you. And saying yes to sex most certainly does not make you public property.
Any moment within a consensual situation which you didn’t consent to is a transgression, and at worst, it’s a criminal offense.
(For the record, I’m not suggesting Jane Doe with 100% certainty consented to the initial encounter. But I’m going off on the premise that she did, since this is what so many doubters of her account seem to be hung up on, and explaining why what occurred for the rest of the night, over multiple hours, and in Jane Doe’s own words, was rape.)
It doesn’t matter if you trusted this person, if they were your friend, your partner, or your husband. Any time your trust is breached, it’s a violation.
The fact that people seem so skeptical of the claims in Jane Doe’s lawsuit shows me that we need a lot more public awareness around the concept of consent. That…
“Yes” to one thing doesn’t mean yes to everything.
“Yes” in the beginning doesn’t mean yes in perpetuity.
An intoxicated person is not capable of making an assured decision and giving consent.
We are still too silly and awkward around the concept of asking for consent. But it’s so important because physical boundaries are our first instance of bodily autonomy. It needs to start from young: kids shouldn’t be forced into hugs. Normalise asking for consent for the little things when it comes to physical touch, especially if it’s a stranger, or even if the person is known to you but seems unsure, tense, and not enthusiastic. In other words, be attuned to the other person, don’t treat them like a piece of meat with no boundaries!